Funny Qualities of the Zodiac
by Vaxl
Summary: Exactly as the title says. If a Sohma has every quality of the animal they're cursed with, then what would happen if you gave name someayou get it by now... ITEM
1. The Catnip's Out of the Bag

**Zodiac Qualities.**

We all know our favorite Fruits Basket characters' curse. 14 people have the curse on them, 12 are Zodiac animals, one is the cat, and one has the core of the curse, and the select 13 with animals have **every** quality of the animal they are.

And now, here, Val will present to you some funny events that she thought of, and in the process burst out laughing evilly. First off the bat will be Kyo.

**ATTENTION** If you have any ideas for completely screwing up the life of a Fruits Basket character that is cursed with an animal spirit, then just tell me, via e-mail or review, and I'll gladly write a chapter about it, if I can.

**Disclaimer: Real Disclaimer's aren't for sillies.**

Besides, who would think that I owned Fruits Basket?

Have fun reading! Espercially you, caffeine addicts, this is written for you as it is for me! xoxox

It was Kyo's birth day in Shigure Sohma's house. Hurray. The only person who gave a second thought about it was Tohru… Or so they thought. Yuki did, in fact, give a second thought. He was just thinking in an evil way.

While Tohru went to the store and bought a book, titled _"How to be a Ninja."_, and then bought some really cute wrapping paper, some nice ribbon and a festive bow, then took time in wrapping it, Yuki bought a ball of yarn and five pounds of catnip, and had the cashier put it in so many bags that it was scent proof.

Yuki carefully snuck up to his room, successfully avoiding anyone, and starting to work on an evil project. He first got out the yarn, while using the wrapping to keep it anything from touching the floor. He completely unraveled the yarn. Next he poured the catnip on the yarn, and rubbed its scent into the yarn, making sure that the scent would never EVER come out.

He rolled up the yarn into a surprisingly machine-wound-perfect yarn ball, and then set it in a bag and poured all the catnip into the bag, and shook it to make sure that the entire sphere had catnip on it. He let it sit under his bed all night in a spare shopping bag that Tohru had forgotten to get rid of.

xoxox

**The next morning…**

"Here, stupid cat, have a present." Yuki said harshly as he handed Kyo the yarn-ball.

Kyo grabbed it, and as soon as he smelled the present, he went insane. He started killing the yarn ball as fiercely as he could, while destroying more of Shigure's house.

In the middle of the insanity, Tohru walked in. "YEAY! TOHRU IS HERE!" Kyo screamed in joy, acting more like Momiji than Kyo. The strange Momiji-Kyo… thing… ran over and tacklehugged Tohru, and as always, turned into the marmalade kitty we all love.

Meanwhile, Yuki has is recording all of this. _This is definitely going on the internet later._ Yuki thought sinisterly. No one would figure out the curse, because no one would think it was real with someone turning into a cat in it.

Kyo started to nudge Tohru affectionately while purring out phrases like, "I vwub Tohru," or "Tohru is my teddy bear," Definitely going on the internet. And right as Kyo turned human again, the catnip wore off, making the already beat-red Tohru faint from embarrassment, and Kyo scream angrily to find who did this.

Yuki, being a smart and cunning rat, had already had hid the camera in the kitchen, made himself a PB&J sandwich (and somehow burnt it) and then walked into the living room and acted quite well, asked what was wrong noticed the situation and slowly backed away, and made sure that Shigure was unconscious.

What a wonderful day.

xoxox

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA torturing ,

Shooooo, did ya like it?


	2. Steak and Pork, the Perfect Torture

We all know our favorite Fruits Basket characters' curse. 14 people have the curse on them, 12 are Zodiac animals, one is the cat, and one has the core of the curse, and the select 13 with animals have **every** quality of the animal they are.

And now, here, Val will present to you some funny events that she thought of, and in the process burst out laughing evilly. Second off the bat will be Hatsuharu! And this is also Kagura's chapter, so beware!

**WARNING! ORIGIONAL CHARACTER ALERT!**

**ATTENTION** If you have any ideas for completely screwing up the life of a Fruits Basket character that is cursed with an animal spirit, then just tell me, via e-mail or review, and I'll gladly write a chapter about it, if I can.

**Disclaimer: When a crayon is named after a food, such as the color "Rare Steak", it does not taste like the food it is named after (and I really wanted a steak…).**

I don't own Fruits Basket. Have fun reading! This is dedicated to my friend, who's a vegetarian, thus to all you vegetarians reading this. It's dedicated to her because after watching Fruits Basket, Poke'mon and YuYu Hakusho, she went vegetarian, I ALMOST did, but I don't eat meat alot, because when a cow or pig has a horrible life, the meat tastes bad, and that's usually what they sell at stores. Good thing I live in Illinois, USA, because there's alot of farms around here that have non-tortured cows, the good kind of meat… Oops, this is a bit longer than normal! SORRY! goes Rit-chan on you

xoxox

Today was a weird day for Hatsuharu. He went to school. Once school was out, he went and wandered around until he found a meadow. He started to munch on some grass when a girl with long brown hair, about five feet tall with partial hetero-chromia (but we'll just say green) popped out of no-where.

"HELLO! YOU BEING THE FIRST TO MUNCH ON GRASS IN THIS MEADOW, YOU WIN A PRIZE! A LIFE-TIME SUPLY OF STEAK!" the girl said. She then bonked him on the head so he was unconscious and then dragged him into the local restaurant, where he woke up, but unbeknownst to him, he was drugged in his sleep so that he forgot that he was a cow, and it would be like that for a little bit.

The girl, COINCIDENTALLY (**A/N:** **cough**) named Val (**A/N: more cough cough**)

ordered steak, and somehow mind-controlled Hatsuharu into buying the biggest steak that the restaurant had.

By the time Hatsuharu was about to put the last bite of steak in his mouth he got his memory back. By the time he realized he was eating a steak, the last piece was already in his mouth, and he was already chewing it, but he hadn't had enough will to spit it out yet.

After he got done eating, he was about to drag Val out of the restaurant so he could beat her up, when Val looked at her watch and mumbled something that sounded like, "Oh, gosh, look at the time, I have to hurry and do this to Kagura!"

About an hour later, the same exact thing happened to Kagura, just everywhere it says steak it says pork.

xoxox

OK, I'm aware that this wasn't the funniest chapter and that most of it is consisting of Authoress' Notes, but I've never been able to write long chapters, and that I felt like relaying the story of why I wrote this, sorry .';. I feel sorry for Ha'ru and Kagura, but I had to think of something for my first, one and only reviewer, c00l-cat101. Wow, one cool cat to be spelled with zero's and then to lawl at the end of his name. Huh, 7 paragraphs of Authoress' Notes and 7 Paragraphs of story… 666 words! OH CRAP! Oh, wait, I'm an atheist, silly me. (And that's counting all this underlined text, too.)


	3. SatanClaus is Coming to town!

Well, it took me a while, because I had another fanfic to update, I have friends, I'm always stressed out by my lack of sleep, so I tend to forget about things like this, and school is almost starting, so I had to get all my info and supplies. My school is so ridiculous. They put all the nerds on Team Rocket… You find something funny about that?

Another reason it took me a while is because I had to think of torturing Shigure or Ayame next. But if you read the silly disclaimer, you'll find out who's next! I'm sorry for all of you who wanted me to torture someone else next, especially you Rosie Hearts, but I just couldn't think of anything, and if it wasn't for Mariner, I wouldn't have any ideas at all!

**Disclaimer: Being bitten by a snake is not always fatal. But it will leave marks. I can't where shorts without pointing at my knee shouting, "What are those things on your knee!?"**

This story is dedicated to anyone that as ever been bit by a snake. And that's including me, too.

Another Disclaimer: I was at Anime Iowa! . I was sharing an apartment with 6 other people… And so one of the people was watching Ben Ten, since I was bored I was watching it too… I got Rocket man stuck in my head. Then I got this idea: Ben Ten is a Rocket Man (too much William Shatner for you, Val!) If you want to use it, you can, but you have to pay your respects to whomever you got it from, and if it was from me, YOU BETTER SAY SO!

We all know our favorite Fruits Basket characters' curse. 14 people have the curse on them, 12 are Zodiac animals, one is the cat, and one has the core of the curse, and the select 13 with animals have every quality of the animal they are.

And now, here, Val will present to you some funny events that she thought of, and in the process burst out laughing evilly. Fourth off the bat will be Ayame!

Now… on with the story…

xoxox

It was a very sunny morning one day, and although it didn't look like it, it was **FREEZING.** Because of that, Ayame foolishly walked outside without a jacket on. As soon as he walked out, there was a poof of smoke, and that Poke' ball noise we all love was heard, and a familiar grey snake was on the ground.

"Oh, I didn't know it was so cold out! And I can't get back into my house as a snake! Whatever shall I do!?" Ayame thought. Suddenly, he heard two Poke' ball noises and a certain rice ball screaming out apologies, a fiery voice screaming with a soft voice making a witty remark in return.

Ayame slithered over to see Tohru. When he got over there, though, his snake instincts got to him. When everything was done, Feral Ayame snuck up behind Yuki, and ate him!

When he did, he slithered away, no one noticing Yuki was missing. When he was slithering about, he found Ren transformed, and for energy, the Feral Ayame ate him, too.

A few minutes later, he ran into Tohru and Kyo, who were looking for Yuki. Still not satisfied, he ate Kyo, who was still a cat.

What a mistake that was. As soon as Kyo was swallowed, his temper flew over his world record of angry. Way over that. So angry that a dimensional rift was formed, which Yuki and Ren escaped from, and Kyo's cat from exploded, thus causing Ayame's Feral Snake form to explode, and that caused them to separate.

All the sudden, Kagura burst from no where, and hugged Kyo with all of her affection. (**A/N: Looks like I'm torturing Kyo again! xD) **Tohru, embarrassed from all the naked (and hot O.O) guys standing around frantically looked for a reason to run away. She decided to run away and get all the peoples clothes.

Tohru was successful in her deed, but not before a wandering news reporter got a nice picture of a girl running away from three naked (hot --) guys. (**A/N: Typing that last sentence was so fun!! Hahahahahahaha!! Writing comedy fics is fun!**)

After that, there was a lawsuit put against Ayame. Ayame was sued!

Haha! Perfect ending for a sucky day! 

Horrible ending for a fanfic, though…

xoxox

That was fun. I'm getting better at writing longer chapters! I always write such short chapters.


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